Toddlerhood: A play in two parts
The Set: Posh neighborhood pharmacy
The actors: Heavily pregnant me, my squirmy independence–seeking toddler, sales person A, Sales person B, Other customer
ACT I:The Setup: Madden and I enter pharmacy. Doors are propped open onto busy street.
Note to self: Madden likes to run, she will run in street if left on her own, I am not a fast runner these days, probably best to hold daughter tightly.
Sales people who are usually quick to offer help are busy chatting at counter with another customer. I seek out product on my own.
Action: Product is on glass shelf, Madden’s kicking legs not conducive to product retrieval from high shelf. In amount of time it takes me to get product, daughter has managed to grab two shampoo bottles, topple over a small display of makeup and has bolted with stolen shampoo towards the open door.
Action continues: Pregnant woman run/waddles to door and grabs shampoo stealing toddler. Toddler unhappy to be stopped begins protesting loudly. Door buzzer is activated as to signal customer is entering/exiting store. BZZZZ sound of buzzer as we stand in doorway trying to get ourselves sorted. Buzzer continues to go off incessantly as pregnant self scoops unhappy shampoo throwing daughter into arms. Retrieval of shampoo bottles that are now rolling down sidewalk ensues.
Action continues: Eventually things are returned to their place and desired product purchase is brought to counter. Daughter placed on counter while I try to get wallet from bag.
Customer B is being helped by makeup counter with Sales person B. They are doing their best to ignore the commotion.
Sales person A has been hiding in pharmacy area but appears at last to ring up my order.
Dialogue: Sales person A; “Oh, I see that you are buying the Clarins product….blah, blah, blah….”
Madden: “Arrghhh, waahhh”
Sales person A: “Did you know that Clarins is running a special if you buy two products from their line, you get a FREE gift with purchase.”
Me: (thinking to myself) Well, it’s not really free if I have to buy two things to get it…but hey, I use this stuff so I’ll get two and get the ‘free’ item. “Yeah, OK, I’ll take two of this same product.”
Madden: Wiggling and now climbing off counter. Arm twisted. Protesting loudly.
Sales person A: “The free gift comes in three types – dry skin, normal skin, oily skin…”
Me: (thinking again). Oh, for crying out loud, just give me the damn ‘free’ gift. “Dry skin please, thank you.”
ACT II:Action: Sales person A goes to retrieve ‘free’ gift while toddler wiggles free and again makes a line for the front door. I take off in pursuit but she deceptively darts down a different aisle where she throws herself onto a pile of cosmetic bags. Laughing hysterically, she grabs a bag and again rounds a bend toward the door. I intercept her with skill and precision in a mighty fine swoop and scoop that leaves her stunned and amazed by her big mommy’s fortitude. “Ah, hah” I give her a little tickle and we return to the counter.
Sales person A is now helping customer B. In fact, both sales people are now with customer B. Apparently there is a bit of drama about whether something comes in powder or liquid. Certainly this crisis of makeup is far more important than getting a frantic pregnant lady and her unhappy toddler out of the store.
We have approximately 3 minutes before Madden is going to go ballistic.
Countdown:
Minute 1, Sales people are still gathered for liquid vs. powder summit.
Minute 2, Sales person A sees me at counter and shows signs
of nervousness.
Minute 3, Sales person A breaks away to find “Dry skin” free gift.
(Me, thinking again: “WTF lady, get over here and finish this…don’t you see
we are approaching take off???!!!)
Minute 4, It is over. We have lost. There is no control. Screaming
is happening. Madden wants out. She demands freedom. Sales person is
too late. A monster has been created and there will be no containment.
Action: I can’t hear myself. I have no idea what the total amount is. There is a receipt to sign and I manage something illegible. The sales person takes forever to verify my signature. This is ridiculous. Madden twists free of my hold and bolts again towards door and around pharmacy. Nothing is safe. The toothpaste aisle is freed from its precision stacking and the colgate is laid out without pattern upon the carpet. I try to contain and restack but cannot manage it all. Madden again captured and once again lifted and placed onto counter. Sales person looks irritated. I explain that if I put her down, she will bolt out door. Why are the doors open anyway???? Sales person again looks irritated and as I fumble around, she says kindly that she will watch Madden on the ground if I would like to put my things into my take away bag. (Clearly the counter is no place to set one’s child.)
Me: (thinking)You are ON lady. What, you don’t think my kid will run from you too? Ha! Just you wait and see.
Action continues:I carefully place Madden on floor and begin to place my purchases into my diaper/handbag. Like the little bullet that she is, Madden takes off for another fun game of squealing and chasing. Sales person (in high heels) runs after her and fails to catch her. Madden does a full circle and ends up running wildly into the pharmacy back room. Sales person A is running about 10 feet behind her and clearly wishes she had just let me keep my kid on the counter. I have finished placing my purchases into my bag. Another customer appears near the register. Sales person A stops her pursuit and saunters up to thecounter to eagerly wait on other customer. She shrugs in my direction and I go behind the pharmacy counter to find my toddler gathering containers from shelf and beginning early career as a pharmacist.